The Letter Series [1]

John:

It kills me to write this to you but I must be in touch with reality. The truth is, affections are mostly never enough for a healthy relationship. We must constantly work to build what people may perceive as a perfect relationship. Ours is one that is drifting at the moment like a floater on water. I can’t start to explain how difficult it is for me to not see you as often I want to and I know you feel that way too. While I admit that I am a sucker for attention, I also want to dote and cater to your every need. The way our relationship is currently going, I can’t share your excitements and disappointments on a daily basis. Sadly, there is only so much technology can do.

I will not blame you if you think I am giving up on us before really trying. However, you will agree with me that we are both at phases in our lives that cannot be uprooted and changed completely. How can I ask you to leave your current identity just to be in the same city as me? This is particularly difficult because we have history … beautiful history.

I am taking a closer look at our relationship and feel that I should be as practical and fair as I am emotional. That is because I respect you too much to give a half effort at this. Instead, I am asking that we build a friendship that would transcend time and space to enable us to get settled with the new roles in our individual lives. We must do this without dragging all the uncertainty that characterizes our relationship into this narrative.

Trust me when I say that I know how you will feel after reading this. I feel that letting it go on for too long would only cause both of us more pain. I have and would always be crazy about you. I am now left with the dream about how actually spending my waking moments with you would have been. I am now only left with memories of how I used to share my fears with you, goof around with you and just be with you as I know how to.

I have so much yet to do in my life and it would be unfair to ask you to stand by my side all through considering where I am right now in my life. I am battling to convince myself that I can achieve my every dream. I don’t want to lose you, yet I know I have to let you go so that you can find true happiness with someone who would recognize all he has been searching for in you. You deserve a place in the heart of a man who would live his life with a sole purpose of giving you the best always. You deserve to be treated like a queen, loved like a sister, and cherished like a treasure.

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Sarah:

The fact that you conceived the idea of having me fulfil another man’s desires makes me wonder if you truly treasure me as you say. You have left me shattered into a million pieces with your words. I will break along with my heart if you let me go. There will not really be any reason to carry on aspiring and trying to be all you think I desire to be if you are not here right next to me to share it with. I dream because you dreamt first. I aspire because you showed me the way. You have been my hero since you became mine and so I have allowed myself to take my lead from you. What makes you believe that the answer to the question that has not been pronounced is no.

The worst judgement a man can face is one for which he was never allowed to stand accused. It would have been my decision and not yours if ever it was brought to my knowledge. You have not asked and so you cannot be sure about how I will answer. Each word of your letter although heartfelt stabbed me as I blinked away tears. The tears were not because of your rejection but of the fact that you belittled what we have. Is our love so weak that it cannot withstand the storm? Is our ambition so strong that we will forego the love we share? What will be the use if we become all we ever want to be without the very other half to share it with. I will rather a million years in your arms than a million dollars in my account. I will rather take the fall than to be a thousand miles apart from you.

I grieve the love we shared because I too have begun to wonder if it was real? That you can give up on our love because of all you want to be makes me wonder now where I truly reside on your scale of importance. It went without saying when you got transferred and progressed in your career that something had to give. At no point did I envisage that I was to be the sacrificial lamb for your success. How you can bear the thought that I would prefer to be with another makes me wonder what you think I meant when I told you that I loved you more than anything in the world.

My bags were packed the moment your news came. I was going to surprise you with the news that I had been given the go ahead to set up shop in the town you now call home. As I read your letter today I was so broken that I unpacked my bag. The realization that if it were I who had to relocate you would choose your career over me is a heavy blow that I cannot recover from easily.

I am not sure I can undo my relocation to the place right next to you because it has now been signed and sealed. What I can tell you for nothing is that this thing we have…or rather, “had” was a joke!

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John:

A JOKE?! Wow it is funny you would say that or come to that conclusion considering every moment we have shared together. A beautiful journey is what I would call this experience with you. I enjoyed every passing second of it, its highs and lows, the laughter, fun times together. Do you remember the tears and agony we went through when your dad passed? How I wish I could take away the pain you felt then and now. All you seem to ever do is to try as much as possible to be strong for everyone but yourself.

I am and would always be in awe of you. Your strength, your grace, and the way you make me smile even on the darkest of days. I will not love another the way I do you.

Regarding your proposed transfer down here, that is indeed great news and a very pleasant surprise but we both know how important your career is to you. Climbing up the ladder in a job you just barely started should be your next logical move and not uprooting to come over here. Doing so will mean that you have to start all over again – undoing all your good work done.

Is this a sacrifice you are willing to make? If it is, I would be sensitive enough to appreciate the gesture of love but will respectfully decline this gift. I know you would resent me for it eventually. Your career and its effect on the kind of woman you have grown to become are amazing and shouldn’t be traded, not this moment at least. I see the buzz around you when you do what you love best –  next to me of course (hoping my actions don’t change that).

Do not think this sacrifice I am making is just because of my ambitions?  it is based on my total consideration of where we are at this point in time in our relationship. The distance apart, my struggles at work, and your budding career are taking their toll on us. Yes, it hasn’t been a bed of roses over here since the move and promotion. Not having you by my side makes it more difficult for me. I am riddled with self-doubt most times and my confidence is at an all-time low without your physical support. Most times I wonder if I can overcome this without you literally by my side.You are, my rock, my number one cheerleader and muse. All these are taking their toll on our relationship to the point of its current fragility.

Real Love is the act of being selfless and I am showing you how much I am willing to sacrifice by letting you go (even if you don’t see it at the moment). Trust me when I say that this is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, cliché right? I know how much pain my every word would inflict on you as you read this; my comfort is that I know the pain is temporary as you my dear will definitely find happiness even without me. I would not do anything that would be to your detriment all in the name of love. Call me a coward if you must but don’t call what we have a JOKE.